My Truth.

After the conversation we had that night I couldn’t sleep. I just kept reviewing each sentence in my head that I said to you. I just kept replaying every feeling I felt when I said it you. Everything I told you was true and all the “I’m sorry’s” were directly from my heart.

It’s been almost two years that we haven’t been together but it feels like we just broke up yesterday. It feels like I was just contemplating to myself whether to stay with you or not. The wounds on my heart still feel fresh, just as the day they were made. On the contrary, so do the butterflies when I first laid eyes on you. You know what my favorite memory of us is? Every “I love you”. Every time you made me laugh. Every time you picked me back up when I was having a rough day. Every time you made me feel special just by being your girl. All that was my favorite.

The funny thing is, all the trust and communication we didn’t have, we made up for in love. I remember telling myself one day, that I was planning on marrying you. I was so serious about it to. If you were to ask me to marry you back then, I would have said yes without any hesitation. It’s crazy how things change, how time changes people. Nothing is the same between us anymore, feelings are hidden instead of talked about. Trust is non-existant because of both of our actions in the past. If I could take a single blow back from one of the hurtful thing I said to you, I would. If I could give you the time back, I would. But I can’t take back words that have already been said or actions that have already been done. Only thing I can do now is hope that you will forgive me for helping our relationship destroy itself because of the part that I played. I can do nothing more but tell you how I feel. The rest is on you. You know what they say, it takes two to tango.

Unspoken words might as well be non-existent feelings. You say time heals all. But in my mind, when it comes to you, there isn’t enough time in the world to tell you how I really feel about you. I just want to show you but you make it so hard sometimes. With you, its either now or never. Because just as easily as we came together, we can that easily fall apart if we do not communicate. I want to tell you I never stopped loving you. Never stopped thinking about you. Never stopped missing you. I figured out a while ago that what we had was real. Something that cannot be tamed. You weren’t just another guy, you weren’t just anything to me. You were my everything, my heart. Whatever your soul is made of, mine is  the same. Your happiness meant more to me than my own. When we were together, you made a home in a little corner of my heart. And you haven’t left since. And lately, I’m okay with that.

See, you don’t understand. You don’t take me serious when we get on this topic but this is how I really feel. Yes I am single and could date whoever, and so could you. But I don’t want whoever and I don’t want the next best thing. I just want you back and love that is still fighting to stay alive between us at this very moment. Do you ever wonder why I go off the radar sometimes? It’s because I have to distance myself from you or i’ll get hurt because I still care. I hate the resentment we have towards each other, each for different reasons. I want to let it all go.

Even though I try to hide it, you matter to me and I am very sensitive when it comes to you, if you haven’t noticed. To be honest, I can’t deny that I am still in love with you. Something always brings me back to you. No matter what I do, I still feel you. It feels uncontrollable loving you, it’s just like gravity pulls my heart closer to yours.  I don’t know how you feel or if you even still love me. I’m hoping you do, but It’s okay if you don’t feel it to. I just had to tell you a little of my truth.

wishing_for_love

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