Hello there. My name is Ryan. I am a twenty year old girl who just recently move to L.A. I am so in love with these city lights and fast cars. My life is changing so much for the good. I am originally from Boston, so being here is brand new to me. There is something you don’t know about me even though I seem like a normal girl from just reading this. I have a dark past that I am just growing out of. That I am just breaking free from. Something you will never understand by just reading this, so you have to feel it, as I did for so many years..
Going through depression I ended up with a lot of secrets and a lot of things no one on this earth knew about me. I eventually just became full of secrets that were eating me up on the inside, just as the depression was. After a while I pretty much had a whole new identity. Well, actually I had two different ones. First was the girl I allowed everyone to see. She was the quiet, relaxed, lovable Ryan that everyone saw at school and home. She was the person I wanted to be. The person I tried and wished to be on a regular basis. The happy, pretty, smart girl who always was laughing and smiling, even though it was fake. At least she still had the option of smiling and portraying a normal person. This girl seemed as if nothing was wrong with her.
However, on the other hand it was the dark, depressed, secret life that was living internally. This was the secret part of me that nobody knew and the part of me that I hated the most. It felt like if someone were to peel back a layer of my skin, you would see the real person I had become. The dark depressed girl who woke up every day praying and wishing to die. No one knew this girl because I would hide of my emotions, numbing myself to my internal struggles. I would pretend everything was okay, when really I was dying on the inside. Dying to be free of what was eating me alive from the inside out. Depression had taken over my mind so bad that I didn’t even know who I was anymore. It was draining every day to have to wake up when all I wanted to do was sit there and die. I didn’t care about life or my being. Getting hit by car seemed more fun than seeing “friends”. It was a lot to handle and it made me decide that I didn’t want to be alive anymore to fight a battle I felt like I couldn’t win. I felt that it was no point of living anymore in this state of nothingness and worthlessness. I either just wanted it to go away (which seemed like was impossible) or have my life match the circumstances of the depression I felt on the inside. It never did that though, which made me feel even crazier. So I never told anyone. It was just another secret I buried deep down inside of me.
As you can see, since I am sitting here telling you this story I am still alive. Alive more than ever. I overcame my depression eventually. By the grace of God. I have my little set backs here and there but I am healthy and doing well. Living in LA really opened my eyes to new beginnings of my life and how much I have to live for. I am currently a writer for Teen Vogue magazine and I love my job. I am so thankful that I didn’t give into my old ways or I would not being here now. I am on the pursuit of happiness, and on the way I am creating my own happiness. I am free as bird from the internal jail cell I was bound behind for all those years. I am a new Ryan. Get to love me, because I have so much love to give.